You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

I never liked this song much until this weekend. I must say it was the worst weekend I've had in years. But, I found out who my friends are. I'm not going to talk about what happened. I want to get over it. All I can say is I would bend over backwards, do whatever is needed when any of my friends need something. But, the one time I ask for something I get fucked over by 60% of the people who I thought where my friends. I guess it's good to know now who is who.
I'll get an updated weight tomorrow. Been slacking, hanging out with people that I thought were awesome.

No more crush.

Only the lonely

Loneliness: is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person.


I've been so lonely lately. As I sit here now I'm in tears. Crying for over an hour, unable to stop. How can I be lonely? I have an awesome group of friends, and a wonderful family. But just like the deffinition says I feel so empty. Like something is missing. I almost feel like I want someone or something to just put there arms around me and hold on. Not letting me push away. I'm good at putting up a wall, pushing away. I want everyone to think I have my life together. I don't want them to know I have faults. But, I do, and they know. I'm usually the caretaker. I make appointments for people and give them reminders of where they need to be. But no body takes care of me. Why do I feel like a loser for saying that I want someone to take care of me, to worry about me?

I know that skinny doesn't fix anything. I'm still the same person right? But what if it does? What if I was a thin person? Does that mean I wouldn't be the outgoing, bubbly girl I am now. Would I have been more quite, reserved? What if it mean's my personality would have been even bigger, and louder then it is now? I just feel like I have to much to offer everyone and if I was a thin person I would be in a better place. I relate it to everything. I wouldn't have quit school, I would have had a better job. I would have my own house, and a better car. Maybe been married with kids. But at the same time I know my life could be worse. That I am lucky for all that I have. It just hurts to not have someone to talk to. To not have a friend that can relate. And everytime I try to explain they tell me I'm nuts "skinny wouldn't change anything."


The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. - Mother Teresa

284.2

AHHHHH!!!! I was doing so well. What happened?!?!?! Oh I'm gonna cry!

Why cry?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”


I cried today for the first time in 7 years over a guy!!!!! WTF??!?!?!?!?! Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself have these feelings? Why am I crying over someone that I never would be good enough for? Why aren't I the skinny girl, or have blonde hair? How can I let something hurst me so much? How can I believe my friends when they tell me we are perfect for eachother? Why would they even tell me that? How does this happen? How can I let my heart feel like this? I AM a smart girl! I deserve someone good. Will it ever happen NO! Why? Because I am the girl who is a friend. Why? Because I am fat! I just don't get it. How can one day you say, I want her and the next you pretend she was never there?!!?!?!? I'm going to end up alone, the lady who leaves everything to her cats...and "special friend." Thank god I don't have a cat yet or I would have even more to worry about! I just want someone to like me for me. I'm a great girl, a fun girl, a nice girl, a smart girl. But, a fat girl. Why is fat a deal breaker? Is it that horrible of a thing? I don't get it. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I am laying in bed crying over a BOY!!!! I'm that girl...the girl I promised myself I would never be. Really if I met a guy that was nice and funny and smart, but chunky I wouldn't care. Why can't they think the same way, why do girls have to be skinny in order to be dateable? Loveable? Why am I crying over a boy?