Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
I cried today for the first time in 7 years over a guy!!!!! WTF??!?!?!?!?! Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself have these feelings? Why am I crying over someone that I never would be good enough for? Why aren't I the skinny girl, or have blonde hair? How can I let something hurst me so much? How can I believe my friends when they tell me we are perfect for eachother? Why would they even tell me that? How does this happen? How can I let my heart feel like this? I AM a smart girl! I deserve someone good. Will it ever happen NO! Why? Because I am the girl who is a friend. Why? Because I am fat! I just don't get it. How can one day you say, I want her and the next you pretend she was never there?!!?!?!? I'm going to end up alone, the lady who leaves everything to her cats...and "special friend." Thank god I don't have a cat yet or I would have even more to worry about! I just want someone to like me for me. I'm a great girl, a fun girl, a nice girl, a smart girl. But, a fat girl. Why is fat a deal breaker? Is it that horrible of a thing? I don't get it. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I am laying in bed crying over a BOY!!!! I'm that girl...the girl I promised myself I would never be. Really if I met a guy that was nice and funny and smart, but chunky I wouldn't care. Why can't they think the same way, why do girls have to be skinny in order to be dateable? Loveable? Why am I crying over a boy?
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