You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

I never liked this song much until this weekend. I must say it was the worst weekend I've had in years. But, I found out who my friends are. I'm not going to talk about what happened. I want to get over it. All I can say is I would bend over backwards, do whatever is needed when any of my friends need something. But, the one time I ask for something I get fucked over by 60% of the people who I thought where my friends. I guess it's good to know now who is who.
I'll get an updated weight tomorrow. Been slacking, hanging out with people that I thought were awesome.

No more crush.

You're Making ME Crazy

AHHH!!! I can’t believe how I am feeling now. I know that this blog is supposed to be about my weight. But, I seem to let this guy take over all of my thoughts lately. Why? Why do I let him do this? Am I crazy? I must be. I’ve never been a mushy starry eyed girl. Now I’m in my late 20’s and I’m acting like a junior high girl. WTF?? How did I let him do this to me? Does he know that his making me crazy? Seriously….I don’t get it. The cooler, move level headed I try to be about this guy the crazier I get. I tried really hard NOT to talk to him this weekend. Yeah, we are friends, but we have other friends. So, why not just hang out with them this weekend? Friday night, go to the movies with the girlfriends. He’s Just Not That into you, great movie. I loved Ben Affleck’s character in this movie. That is the kind of guy I want. Although so much in the movie is SOOOOOO true. Why do we convince our girlfriends that guys act that way because they like you? Right now it hit so close to home with all the things my girlfriends have been tell me. At any rate, a night out with the girls. Awesome, early movie and a few drinks. Then decide to head downtown. Get text from him wanting to know how the movie was, what we were up to, told him headed downtown to the bars. He HATE’S the downtown bars, doesn’t like how loud they are parking far way and walking a mile, or having to pay for parking if you park close. Get down there and guess who is there? Yeah! WTF? The messages where short. Ended with have a good weekend and there he was. Way to screw up my mind. We stay until the bar closed. Argue about him paying for my drinks -while getting looks from my best girlfriend. Then head out to grab a bite to eat and head home. Here’s where I start to go crazy. Last text of the night from him at 3:30am, first text of Saturday from him at 6:43am. Hummmmmmm. Then I go to work, getting messages from him all day. Stupid messages. Wanting to know what is going on that night. What he see’s going on outside of his window. What he is watching on TV. What he is eating for lunch. I ignore most of them, not writing back. What do I say after all? That night I was invited to a mutual friend’s house to hang out play some cards. They have invited him; I call to see if he’s going so we can ride together. He doesn’t feel up to it, says he wants a night in on the couch being lazy. That’s cool. The whole time over there my phone is going off me asking questions, who is there, what are we doing, am I having fun, and what am I drinking? More stupidness. Then at midnight “I’m bored.” What I am supposed to think? Semi-sounds like a booty call?!!? Am I nuts? Why would he say that when we have never done anything sexual before. Not even a kiss? Drunk, alone, lonely? This guy is driving me nuts! He’s in my head and I’m letting him get to me. Do I really like him? Or do I like him because we spend so much time together and everyone says we make a cute couple. Does he like me, or is he getting the same from his friends. I don’t know what to make of all of this. As I’m writing this text from him “watching the big lebowski.” He really starts a conversation with a question, always with an off the wall statement. Boy do I love him. Does he know that I deep down inside wanted to know what he was doing? Does he know me better then I know myself?

Why cry?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”


I cried today for the first time in 7 years over a guy!!!!! WTF??!?!?!?!?! Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself have these feelings? Why am I crying over someone that I never would be good enough for? Why aren't I the skinny girl, or have blonde hair? How can I let something hurst me so much? How can I believe my friends when they tell me we are perfect for eachother? Why would they even tell me that? How does this happen? How can I let my heart feel like this? I AM a smart girl! I deserve someone good. Will it ever happen NO! Why? Because I am the girl who is a friend. Why? Because I am fat! I just don't get it. How can one day you say, I want her and the next you pretend she was never there?!!?!?!? I'm going to end up alone, the lady who leaves everything to her cats...and "special friend." Thank god I don't have a cat yet or I would have even more to worry about! I just want someone to like me for me. I'm a great girl, a fun girl, a nice girl, a smart girl. But, a fat girl. Why is fat a deal breaker? Is it that horrible of a thing? I don't get it. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I am laying in bed crying over a BOY!!!! I'm that girl...the girl I promised myself I would never be. Really if I met a guy that was nice and funny and smart, but chunky I wouldn't care. Why can't they think the same way, why do girls have to be skinny in order to be dateable? Loveable? Why am I crying over a boy?