Thursday, March 5, 2009

Only the lonely

Loneliness: is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person.


I've been so lonely lately. As I sit here now I'm in tears. Crying for over an hour, unable to stop. How can I be lonely? I have an awesome group of friends, and a wonderful family. But just like the deffinition says I feel so empty. Like something is missing. I almost feel like I want someone or something to just put there arms around me and hold on. Not letting me push away. I'm good at putting up a wall, pushing away. I want everyone to think I have my life together. I don't want them to know I have faults. But, I do, and they know. I'm usually the caretaker. I make appointments for people and give them reminders of where they need to be. But no body takes care of me. Why do I feel like a loser for saying that I want someone to take care of me, to worry about me?

I know that skinny doesn't fix anything. I'm still the same person right? But what if it does? What if I was a thin person? Does that mean I wouldn't be the outgoing, bubbly girl I am now. Would I have been more quite, reserved? What if it mean's my personality would have been even bigger, and louder then it is now? I just feel like I have to much to offer everyone and if I was a thin person I would be in a better place. I relate it to everything. I wouldn't have quit school, I would have had a better job. I would have my own house, and a better car. Maybe been married with kids. But at the same time I know my life could be worse. That I am lucky for all that I have. It just hurts to not have someone to talk to. To not have a friend that can relate. And everytime I try to explain they tell me I'm nuts "skinny wouldn't change anything."


The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. - Mother Teresa

1 comment:

  1. i think you sound amazing. all being skinny will do is make you less afraid to show your outgoing bubbly nature. it might make people who can't see through your fat see the wonderful person you are. then again, someone who can't see through fat is someone you might not care for or relate to.

    thanks for your blog!

    ReplyDelete