Been a while....283

Well it's been a while. I've had a rollercoaster in my life the past few weeks. But, I'm going to try to see that as a time to start caring for myself more and what I want and less of what would make everyone else happy. So with that being said I'm starting fresh. Half the year isn't even gone yet. I still have plenty of time to make good on losing weight. So starting fresh......283.0 I'm going to set a goal of 275 by June 20th. I think it's do-able. If I make it I can treat myself to a pedicure....so lets see what happens.

New Year

So my year so far if off to a rough start. I truely feel if I were thin my life would fall into place. I hate midnight on New Year's Even, it is the most depressing moment of each year. This year I spent it in tears. My secret came out and now I don't know what to do. Now because everyone know's I feel like it makes it worse. I feel like I'm falling more and more in love with someone, and am noticing new things about him that make me love him. He's my bestfriend....BESTFRIEND. We spend days together, we talk, text, email eachother all the time. He's the perfect guy, really I think so. All the girls I hang around with think so too. No one can ever figure out why he is single. Something must be wrong with him huh?!?!? I honestly can't think of one.....Smart, good job, well educated, tall, gorgeous, dark hair, great eyes, funny, awesome all around great person.
So I've had people ask if we are a couple, and why we aren't and until then I never thought about. He's my friend. But, then I started to think about it, and the more they ask, the more in love I fall. Afterall, if that many people ask it must look like a good thing right?
This past Tuesday along three people asked me....one of then being my best girlfriend. I played it off "we're just friends." Then on New Year's Eve one of those girls asked him why aren't a couple. I was mortified, I don't want him to think I put anyone up to it. I don't want to be uncomfortable around him. I don't want to have to worry that it will make him uncomfortable. I don't know what exactly was said on either end because of the drinking. But it worries me. How do I start to feel normal again? How do I make my heart aware that I'm just a friend. If he ever brings someone new around I don't think I'll every think she is good enough. Do I just profess my feeling and hope for the best? Or, do I wait it out?


So there's this boy,
and the way he laughs makes me smile,
and the way he talks gives me butterflies,
and just everything about him makes me
HAPPY.

Everyday people ask me "are you two going out?" and you don't realize how painful it is to reply "no we are just friends."

I shouldn't want you like this.

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!

You always want what you can't have.

Why do I end up liking a guy I can only dream of having?

I don't think you realize how much I love you.

Being just a friend never hurt so much.

If you can't get someone out of your head maybe they are suppose to be there.

I love him so much it hurts.

You know what makes letting go of a crush so hard? The fear that the moment yoy let go they catch on.

So I kinda, sorta, maybe like youmore than I originally planned.

The Chronicles of a Fat Girl

Well, New Year's is right around the corner. I hate New Year's...sure the booze is great, but the midnight kiss I dread. It seems like every year I am the token single girl in a group of couples. Then there is the dreaded resolution, which every year is to lose weight. Well if I ever followed through with that I wouldn't have started this blog to begin with! So thinking about next week is making me nuts. And I had the great idea to start this blog. I always thought of people with blogs as strange until today. When I realized that this maybe the best way for people to say what they want to say with anonymity, and honesty of not being directly judged. Sure some of you reading this will not agree with what I have to say, or may bitch about by grammar, and spelling. However I DON'T CARE!!! I can desided that this is the one place where I am going to be myself. I'm not going to try to be the funny girl, or the happy go-lucky girl. The girl who goes out of her way to make everyone happy and not herself, who wants to word to think that she is living the perfect life. Nobody is perfect, this I do know. But sometimes I think if only I were skinny my life would be different. So my goal is to keep this blog for 1 year. To say what is on my mind and maybe have someone listen. To introduce my "real" self to the blogging world. Maybe starting here I'll be able to move that into my life with my family and friends. And, as always my New Year's resolution - lose weight, but this time I'm going to add, find happiness within myself.